Difficult People

 

When someone (or everyone...or yourself...) is driving you crazy, here is an exercise that could allow you to feel differently, more relaxed about them.  It has been used by various disciplines, in various forms, so I'll just call it ‘ Perspectives' .

 

It looks complicated, but is very simple once you have got the hang of it - I can run it in a few seconds now.  There is an example at the bottom of the article.

 

The idea is to get several different angles on the issue, to broaden your view of it from the original ‘trapped in a hole' view, so relieving some of the emotions and getting some new choices

 

This is usually done physically and with an instructor, but is easily done alone with some practice – it requires concentration and an acceptance of the inherent absurdity… I wouldn't test it out on your most emotive issue straight away – try it on some simpler ones!

Step 1: Imagine yourself standing looking at the person in question (‘Jane').

You are associated (that is, being you, not looking at you), and notice how large ‘Jane' is in relation to you.

Ask yourself how you are feeling about the situation (not what the situation is - avoid content!). Try making ‘Jane' smaller, or larger, and notice if that changes how you feel.

If a metaphor pops into your head (see the example below), keep it to see if it is useful later.

Get a clear idea of your feelings (it's a good idea to write them down) and then break from being ‘you' – think of something entirely different (swimming rabbits is my favourite...)!

 

Step 2: Switch around - you are now being ‘Jane', looking at ‘you'.

Ask yourself how you (‘Jane') are feeling about the situation, in exactly the same way as in step 1.

Obviously you don't actually know the truth, but that doesn't matter (daft though that sounds!) – make it up.

Again, if a metaphor comes to you, remember it.  Get a clear idea of these ‘feelings'. Break from being ‘Jane'.

 

Step 3: Go to a third position.

Stand (mentally) on a ladder or similar – get some height and distance – and look at ‘you' and ‘Jane'. Get far enough away that you aren't getting caught up in being either of them - you need to be seeing 'you' as a separate person - perhaps your Mentee.

Ask yourself what ‘you' could do or think differently that would change how 'you' feel about ‘Jane'. Use the metaphors as a guide if you had any. 

If you find yourself feeling any emotion about it on behalf of ‘you', get further away, and keep getting further away. Add a time gap, if necessary.

Write down these new attitudes.

Step 4: Go to a fourth position.

Stand (mentally) in a new position, equally far away, and watch these new attitudes be thrown over to ‘you'. Be sure that ‘you' have caught them and adopted them (watch 'you' do a little shake to put them on!), and then come back into ‘you', as in Step 1.

See how you feel about the situation with the other person now.

 

Repeat the steps as necessary, until you feel some useful shift in your feelings.

If you find this too awkward to do yourself, then it may help to enlist the help of a friend.   With practice, though, this becomes a quick and simple process, often becoming a kind of 'virtual reality' swing-around between 1st and 2nd position with no need to go further.

 

Here's an example of the process - much tidied up, of course!

Say I am angry with someone whom I find aggressive and think is persistently trying to control me ('Jane') - my problem is not 'Her Controlling Me', but rather my intense feeling of being controlled. I may or may not be deluded, but the feeling is there.

So, step 1: I look at Jane, and feel greatly invaded and controlled, with a desire to block her out of my life. The metaphor of being the target of a malevolent wasp comes to mind.  Note the complete lack of content.

Step 2: I (Jane) look at Pen - I (Jane) feel threatened by Pen, and scared that I have no influence over her, do what I might (invented, obviously - I don't really know what it's about, but I don't need to. We're all responding to our hallucinations of other people anyway!).  The metaphor of a 7-yr-old in a panicky tantrum comes to mind.

Step 3: I move into the distance and look at them both, and decide that Pen would do well to adopt a 'Nanny' attitude to the 7-yr-old in a tantrum, to quell the misbehaviour but otherwise regard it as unimportant..

Step 4: I float elsewhere and watch this attitude being passed over, and watch Pen shake herself into it.

Back to Step 1: I look at Jane, and experience a release of feeling - Jane must do as Jane will do, it has nothing to do with me, I continue to be free.

If I was, in fact, deluded, this might allow me to relate more naturally to poor Jane!

 

by Penelope Else

Freer Mind